


Deserving

by longkissgnite



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: But really she’s silly and trying to use positive coping in a bad way, Suicidal Thoughts, and positive coping is safe all is well in the end, annie is Also doing her best, as you do when you win the hunger games, blood mention/description, but in cursive they’re nice ones ofc, due to hallucinating not injury, finnick is doing his best, hes got her tho finnick to the rescue, shes coping in a very suicidal way, theyre doing the best they can Together sorta, they’re really just kids man what can you say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26476729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longkissgnite/pseuds/longkissgnite
Summary: Annie accidentally triggers herself while home alone, luckily Finnick comes over unexpectedly before the brunt of her small ptsd episode hits and he’s able to help her through it.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Deserving

⠀⠀The victor’s houses all had running water. This was something Annie noted quickly. Of course, her house before /also/ had it but the difference was here was that the temperature was /controlled/. Here she could have hot or cold water however she pleased, back home it always just depended on the sun.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She also notes quickly that it was best /not/ to use the warm water, that this could remind her of her games in some twisted way. Sometimes the touch from it would remind her of blood on herself, and she’d be brought back there all over again. She taped off the hot facets since, leaving only one sink with it just in case hot water was needed.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀This has worked well, for the past ten months it has done its job. She was getting by fine, avoiding the one sink in the first floor bathroom easily. She had the kitchen sink close by, it didn’t need to be touched. But today she had absentmindedly turned it on, and today she was shaking, crying, and watching the water fall on her hands.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Or was it blood?  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Oh it was hot like blood, and the more she stared at it the more she was sure it was red, turned her skin red. It had to be blood, but why was blood coming out of the sink? She shoved the facet off, if she was more present she may have worried it broke it, but instead she just was wiping her hands on her dress. Wiping blood onto her clean light blue skirt.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀But blood didn’t come from the pipes. That didn’t make sense. And as much blood as there was, there was no injury.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Not real.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀The blood was not real, she decided firmly. Reminding herself of how Finnick would firmly but gently say the words, of how his voice was always light to her even when he was upset. This was not real, he’d tell her that now.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀So she stepped away from the sink, she looked at her hands and they were red. Not from blood though, from the heat, from rubbing them raw. Not from blood. The blood was not real, the red was real.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She breathed, went to the living room and /tried/ to sit down, to settle herself down. But she was left wondering, thinking. Why had she seen blood at all? Because it reminded her of when she had her district partner’s blood on her, of course. And why had that been there? Because she was the reason he was dead.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀He was dead, and she was alive. Real. He deserved to be dead, and she deserved to be alive. She didn’t know.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She walked in tight circles around her living room, thinking, deciphering. Remembering the key phrase in Finnick’s voice in an attempt to soothe herself.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She heard someone come in, real or not real? She didn’t know.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She heard someone come in, real. Finnick was standing in the living room doorway, holding a few wildflowers in his hand and giving her a concerned but gentle look.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Hey,” he greeted gently, catching her eye and she watched the concern slip away some. “I knocked, but I don’t think you heard.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She hadn’t, so she shook her head. “No, I’m sorry.” She says simply, looking over Finnick, she went forward, took the flowers from him. “Are these for me?” She asked, “real or not real?” She added before she could stop herself. Really, she just needed to hear him say it, to reaffirm his voice in her head against the muffled screams.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Real,” he answered without question, “you should put them on water.” He added, gently placing a hand on the small of her back and following her as she walked into the kitchen.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Can you get the water?” Annie asked carefully, grabbing a glass and handing it to him before he could answer. “Had a slip up in the bathroom,” she explained,  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀And he nodded. He nodded like this explained everything, because it did. It explained why she was being so distant, so blunt, why she needed to know what was real, it explained why she was moving around nearly wordlessly when she so often liked to describe her movements to herself. It explained it all, so he took the glass and filled it half way with /cool/ water.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”I’m glad you’re doing better,” he said genuinely, placing the glass on a spot on the counter where he knew she’d want to display the flowers. “You’re getting better at snapping out of it.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀The praise should be good. It /was/ good. But the necessity of it was frustrating, the fact that she needed any at all was ridiculous. Why should she be struggling with reality so badly?  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She nodded, didn’t look him in the eye, and set the flowers delicately in the water. Arranging them gently so they could catch the light, not that it did the dying much good.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”It’s getting easier,” she muttered, and instead of going to latch onto him like normal she leaned against a counter. “Or my brain is getting lazier, it’s getting easier to catch it in the act, you know, easier to tell for myself what’s real.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀He smiled, and she couldn’t help but look him in the eye. “Good, I’m really glad, that’s good, dove.” He looked like he wanted to reach out to her, instead he messed with his hands, didn’t move closer.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Some silent moments passed and she watched the flowers slowly shift as they adjusted to the water. She listened to his breath and felt his eyes on her. This wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t good either.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Did Reef deserve to die?” She asked abruptly, the question still uncomfortable in her head.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Clearly this caught him off guard, but he was good, he shook his head and he meant that. “No one in there deserves to die.” He says firmly, but gently, as always. “That’s real.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Do I deserve to be alive?” She looked at him now and wished she hadn’t, he looked heartbroken. She did that, she broke his heart.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Yes Annie, of course you do. That’s /real/.” He reached out now, hand to her shoulder and she instinctively moved away.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”I don’t feel like I do,” she said quietly, looking at the ground, then moving in front of him. She hated the hopeful look he had, how he looked he might hold her.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Instead she was grabbing his hands. Bringing them to her throat. Trying to get them to wrap /around/ her throat.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Kill me.” She requested firmly, and he looked baffled, taking almost a moment too long to move his hands off her.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Annie, no.” He said, shaking his head. “Not real, no, I’m not doing that. You deserve to be alive, just like them. It’s not your fault they died, you still deserve to live.” If she was more in herself, she’d notice the dread, the panic, the shaking.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Instead, all she noticed was Finnick being asked to give her something, and Finnick denying her.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Yes, it was cruel. But wasn’t her very existence at this thought? Wasn’t everything she did, her very existence, cruel in some way? She was alive even though twenty three others were dead. She should be dead too, at the very least. Children died, people's families. All were dead and she was to blame, because she wasn’t dead.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Please,” she asked, grabbing his hands again. Except this time before she could bring them to her neck, he was holding her wrist, holding them down to her side.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Annie, you don’t know what you’re asking.” He stated plainly, but she just shook her head, tried to yank her hands. “Annie, I’m not going to hurt you, that’s real, you’re safe, that’s real.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”No, no, please,” she yanked, tugging how she could. “Please, kill me, please,”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She knew that would fix it, if she were dead it’d at least be fair. She’d just be wasting her life anyway, living in this house alone, scared of hot water, scared of everything. It was better he just killed her.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀”Annie, I can't do that.” He stated, moving one of her hands into his other to hold them both with one. He used his free hand to cup her cheek. “You know that, listen for me, you /know/ that.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She just shook her head, beginning to tear up. “Please, kill me and it’ll be better. Real, that’s real, kill me please that's /real/,” she begged, and she’d beg and beg. She’d do whatever she could.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀Instead he just brought her close, wrapped the arm not holding her wrists around her small frame. “Not real,” he whispered. “It’s not real, nothings going to hurt you, especially not me.”  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀She shook her head, cried, wanting to thrash and beg. Instead she choked on a sob and now so close she nearly collapsed into him. If she was present she’d notice that he picked her up. That was easier with things, easier to move her to the living room couch.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀He held her in his lap, let her sob and rub her back. He held her, rocked her, until she fell asleep.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀When she awoke she was safe, he was safe to be with still. No one hurt him or her, no one would. She barely remembered the exchange before, she just knew she was glad he arrived when he did. No matter what she had asked of him, what position she put him in, she was happy he stuck close, that he was still safe.  
⠀⠀  
⠀⠀No one had deserved to die, of course, but no one /else/ was going to die either. That was real.


End file.
